Tuesday 31 March 2020

Corona's Virus Adventurers Guild briefing day 8 - Murderhobo's diminishing

Morning Everyone

It’s been an interesting morning so far, we’ve had an envoy from the Ratlin council in the Illenial hills come down this morning, not the usual complaints of too many adventurers straying from the agreed treasure drops to get easy wins, but an enquiry into what we were doing different that’s caused the attacks to cease entirely.

We sent a few of you out in the day to see what’s been going on, turns out that all the local non-human population have been experiencing far lower levels of attack from overzealous idiots trying to make a quick win.

Seems that the fear of the virus is keeping our local Murderhobo population inside, drinking and eating to forget their problems.  Net result, a whole lot of the people who normally get the brunt of their attacks are wondering why there’s been no attacks.  I have assured them that this isn’t some grand strategy by the Murderhobos to put them in a false sense of security before they come back, but I have recommended that they spend the time putting up better defences while they’ve got chance. Tuckers kobolds were travelling through the area a few days ago, and I’ve put in a recommendation that they get in touch and see if they can’t make life a little harder for our resident lunatic fringe.

It does raise an interesting point though, as most of the work we do is out there in the wilds working commissions for people we barely know.  No pension plan for adventurers, and the city council considers us to be self employed, and we all know that regular wages isn’t something that any of us can prove, so we’re unlikely to be getting paid any time soon.  We’ll continue to offer contracts where we can and we’ll vet them where they can, but you need to be aware that we don’t know how well the virus transmits to other races, or indeed if it does.  We know that it affects Humans, Wilde, Aetherics, and Samca, but we don’t know if it’s going to transfer to anything else.

That said, word back from the shapeshifters squad, they’ve been running a few experiments over the last few weeks, just to see what the situation is.  Several of you have reported that there’s been a sneezing wolf running around the outskirts of town, I can now let you all know that that’s Freya Ironclaw, she’s had the virus for a while and was working to see if her lupine form might be able to throw it off any faster.  Turns out that the only thing that goes faster is the time between sneezing and going to the toilet, she’s resting up the in the temple at the moment, the paladins have got her under care for now, so if you see any more sneezing wolves out there, be sure to let us know, she doesn’t think that the virus transmits, but we need to keep an eye on it in the meantime.

Nothing else for the morning, stay away from the Ratlin encampments, you know what Tucker’s get like, and we’ve got enough trouble without you lot coming back perforated, just remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Monday 30 March 2020

Corona's Virus Adventurers Guild Briefing Day 7 – Enough for everyone.

Morning Everyone

Street patrols have picked up an increasing amount of almost fresh food being thrown away with the rest of the rubbish, looks like a number of people went out and bought everything when the lockdowns were just coming into force, and in some cases, it looks like they went out and bought everything somewhat before the lockdowns started. 

Watch Commander Frith went to the city council and checked for the level of response that they wanted to put in on people who’ve been hoarding food.  Word came back that they wanted to come down hard on all those who’ve been caught hoarding, so for the last week, we’ve had the street teams monitoring the houses who’ve had the most fresh food dumped outside of them, and in each case, we’ve put a team on that house to make sure it’s not some enterprising hoarder who’s decided to leave their rubbish outside someone elses house…

Turns out we were right to keep an eye on things, seems that one of the rich folk had word from the watch that we were going to be keeping an eye on things, so had their servants dropping the food outside of the church halls to throw everyone off.  Now we’re not going to find out any time soon who’s on their payroll in the watch, but we had to take steps so that no one got the briefing before we’d already apprehended them.

Anyone here familiar with Chancellor Tonil? 

Yes, that Chancellor Tonil, the same one that voted down our wage rises for the last two years and cut the spending for the street squad because, and I quote, it presented an unacceptable increase in public spending.  There’s about a quarter ton of not so fresh any more fruit and vegetables, and he gets released from the stocks as soon as he’s finished it, his family can volunteer to help with it if they like, but they don’t get fresh food from anywhere until they’ve finished all the excess they kept from everyone else.

Hopefully, those who think the rules don’t apply to them and still have any continuing thoughts about hoarding, they might think twice when they see this.

In other news, south side task force is reporting that the Remian street party is scheduled to go ahead, so I’m going to want a few of you to go along to keep up the social side of things by making sure that no one gets into the party.  You’re going to be the least popular people in the city for a day, but only amongst people who can’t comprehend basic instructions, so the chance of you upsetting someone who’s actually going to cause a problem is not very high at all.

That’s everything for the morning watch, Chancellors and Chancers all over, just remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Sunday 29 March 2020

Corona's Virus - Adventurers Guild Briefing Day 6 - Merchants and Mobs

Morning Everyone

We’ve been asked to provide a mobile patrol for the market today, we’re getting new supplies in and the merchants figure there’s going to be more than a few people looking to get an advance purchase in before the goods are on the shelves.  We’re going to put the market on in the middle of town, goods will sell from one shelf only and will be brought in through the rear with us walking point.

Everyone gets a turn, walk them in single file, I don’t care if it’s Lady Cries or Grim Jim from third street, rationing knows no privilege and therefore, neither do we.  Swift word on crowd control, we normally get to exercise reasonable levels of force when it comes to breaking up undesirables, but the people we’re going to be watching for here are civilians, they’re scared and panicky, like the rest of us, so braining them in the name of the law isn’t the way forwards.  Mages guild have offered us the use of feeblemind spells for the duration, but as you all know, a mob is a creature with a few hundred legs and no brain, feeblemind means they follow the person closest to them, and they’re all going to be looking to take food, so it’s not going to make any difference at all.

What we are going to do is keep the mages on standby with a few illusions.  If you see something starting up, get your weapon in the air and the mages will throw something noisy in your direction.  You use the distraction to get the crowd thinking about something other than grabbing everything and you close ranks, the only thing a mob has second thoughts about is another mob, and that’s the approach we’ve got to take here.  I see that several of you have put in for time so that you can get supplies for your families, and you all know the city councils thoughts on that. Let me put that in perspective, because we all know that the only chance we get to go for anything is after everyone else has already raided it, and the city council is very much All for one, as long as they’re the one.

With this in mind, I’ve negotiated with the merchants for them to pay us in goods, rather than coin, all of you do your job today and you get your supplies from here after shift. It’s the least we should be doing for all of you, and it’s all that we can do for now.

In other news, we’ve got a small group of giants out on the west side, we don’t know if they’re infected, but take it from one who knows, a giant sneezing on you is like getting caught in a storm of snot.  Anyone gets caught by one, report round the back when the paladins come back in, we’ll make sure you get cleaned off properly, but my advice is to make sure you’re not there when it happens.

That’s everything for the morning watch, Shopping and Snotting all around, just remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Saturday 28 March 2020

Corona's Virus - Adventurers Guild briefing day 5 - Clerics and Cures

Morning Everyone

You’ve all heard by now about the clerics just outside the city, and I know that you all know that what they’re selling isn’t anything that anyone should be buying.  We’ve had the order of Jued down here and everything short of Wishes isn’t touching this bloody virus.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Cure Disease…  Doesn’t…

Problem is that they’re clerics of the mind union from way north in Tyravig, so they’re covered by diplomatic immunity, and they’re being careful with their wording.  They’re not calling it a cure, they’re calling it a health boost, even though the wording says that you’ll instantly feel better and last a lot longer while under the influence of it.

We gave some to the labs to test, what we found were a whole bunch of compounds that the Alliance of Affordable Companions reported stolen a while back, so what those clerics are selling is accurate, you will last a lot longer while under the influence of it, but perhaps not in the way you were after.  Can’t do anything about it, people everywhere are just looking for hope, and remedies from regular sips of swamp water, because if you can survive that, you can survive anything, to staying out in the sun because the Lord of Light protects, are being touted everywhere.  We’re not here to police peoples superstitions, we’re just here to keep the peace, keep the everlasting clerics outside and if you’re going to take what they’re selling, make sure it’s only one of them, I don’t want to find any of you flying flags around town, y’hear?

In other news, we just got word from the city council, they’ve put word out for volunteers from the prison at Hydra to help us.  Owens and Resec will be handling the applications, most of them will be looking to make a break for it, so the first two weeks of any assignment are down the sewers.  If we lose them down there, they’re already dead, and if they’re coming back after two weeks, they’re genuinely trying to help, although I wouldn’t be holding my… Well, I would be holding my breath, but you know where I’m coming from.

That’s everything for the morning watch, Convicts and Charlatans are the order of the day, just remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Friday 27 March 2020

Corona's Virus - Adventurers Guild Briefing Day 4 - Essential Work Only...

Morning Everyone

You all know that we’re rationed at the moment, and that the city council has issued orders that you only get to go out if you need to exercise, get food, or do essential work.

Problem there of course, is that the council haven’t really defined too well what essential really is, so the Thieves Guild are insisting that thieving is essential, the Cartographers Council are insisting that going out and mapping is essential and the Alliance of Affordable companions… Well, you get the picture…

We’re here to keep the peace, so as long as whatever they’re doing isn’t spreading the virus or causing a problem, we live and let live.  That said, I’ve personally seen the Thieves guilds most recent high bounty offerings, and let’s just say that they’re robbing a different sort of throne to the one the Thieves normally get asked to rob.  If you find anyone carrying a ten foot pole that’s got nine foot occupied by toilet roll, make a polite enquiry as to where they’re going with it and make sure they’ve got enough for themselves and nothing else.

On other news, over the water in Zargoldand, rumours have reached us that their self appointed God-Emporer just declared that if everyone goes back to work, their collective enthusiasm will be enough to defeat the virus.  I’ve seen what enthusiasm is good for, it’ll decimate a buffet in less than a minute and be completely ineffective against anything requiring a clear head and a plan, so we’re going to be following approved protocol till someone with the aforementioned clear head tells us otherwise.

That’s everything for the morning watch, Thieves and Tempters all around, but remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Thursday 26 March 2020

Corona's Virus, Adventurers Guild Briefing Day 3 - Be aware of Wizards and Teleporting

Morning Everyone

We’ve had a report this morning of several bags of supplies going missing from the merchants guild last night.  Guards report no one came in and no one got out, but the inventory count was down by more than thirty bags of grain, two boxes of salt, and a backscratcher with an extending handle.

We had a suspicion that something like this might come to pass, so we’d been working with the merchants guild to fit tamper proof locks to the bags that also contained a short range spell that would go off in the event of magic being used near it.  These locks are removed when someone buys a bag legitimately, but if they get moved by magic, they detonate after twenty minutes, covering the whole area with luminous manure that also acts as a nauseating agent.

At around 05:00 of the morning watch, the tower of Vladimir Renderov, freelance mage, was reported to have been lit up like a Christmas tree in a sewer, and upon investigation after the area was cleaned, was found to have the missing supplies in his tower.  We’ve cleaned him up and ensured that he’ll be spending the rest of the outbreak in magecuffs on the lower levels, but as times go on and supplies get shorter, we’ll be seeing more of this I don’t doubt.

In other news, the naturists guild just announced that they’ll be doing a sponsored hugging session to raise money for research into the virus.  We’ve allocated them a space just outside the city and as soon as they’re all outside, we’ll be throwing them some tents so they can wait it out, out there.  We’ve got no problem with bare-arsed deviancy, but we’re pretty sure it’s going to break the social distancing the rest of us are having to observe, the captains comment on it was that they can get as close as they like, as long as they stay away from us.

That’s everything for the morning watch, manure and mooning for everyone, just remember

Let’s be careful out there…

Wednesday 25 March 2020

Corona's virus - Adventurers Guild Briefing Day 2 - Justice has dirty hands...

Morning Everyone

We’ve had some assistance offered from the Revelations, they’ve offered their entire core of Paladins for the duration of the virus, and our higher ups have taken them at their word.  They’ll be working mostly the poor quarter and ensuring that we get reliable intel without having to risk any of our people roaming in the streets.

And that brings me to the other problem we’re going to have.  They report to this station and they’ll be coming back in at the end of every shift to give us the details of what they have.  You all know that the Revelations have a god given immunity to diseases of all sorts and that includes this one, but if I’ve learned one thing in all my time dealing with people who are immune to something, it’s that they take that immunity for granted, so the chance of them following proper protocol and cleaning themselves up before coming back here is hovering around zero.  Most Paladins I know are dirty buggers at best, too busy dealing with injustice to wonder about the niceties like cleaning up after themselves, they figure they prove their worth with the amount of evil they’ve been wading in.

In summary, they’re immune, we’re not, so when they come in, we’re going to be waiting with the scouring team around the back.  They’re not going to like it, but I’ll be happier if they debrief when we’ve cleaned all the injustice off them.  I’m going to be drawing up a roster for who’s on hose duty each day, and if any of the Paladins get narky about it, you come and get me and I’ll minister to them about it.

In other news, we’ve got a convoy of Samca coming in from the east after Mit Tarmin closed all the bars between here and Desel, I don’t care how many arms they’ve got, they’re the best bartenders in the world and they get the same rights and safety that everyone else does.

That’s it for the morning, insects and injustice for everyone, just remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Tuesday 24 March 2020

Corona's Virus Adventurers Briefing Day 1: Gelatinous Cubes can't be used as Hand Sanitiser

Morning Everyone

We’ve all been having to wash our hands a lot more recently, and the number one item on everyone’s pack list after Iron Rations is now soap.  Of course, we all know there’s been a shortage of soap since the start of the disease, and we know that everyone is doing their best to make do with what they’ve got, and there’s been some reasonably inventive things going on in the adventuring community at large.


We got word this morning of a merchant coming in from out of town with a fresh supply of soap bars, big load, plenty of soap for all concerned, seemed to be too good to be true, so we checked it out.

Turns out that free enterprise runs as far as casting Hold Monster on a gelatinous cube and then carving it up into chunks and wrapping it for selling so no one notices till you’re washing your hands with it…

All those laughing at the back can do one, nothing buggers up your day faster than realising that not only are your face and hands burning, but your soap is making a run for it…

So, take precautions people, any new soap you buy, leave it on the side for a day before you use it, if it’s still there, it’s probably good.  If it’s made a break for it, be cheerful you didn’t end up with a face like mine this morning.  The glass bowl on my desk contains a sample of the cube that we rounded up, don’t get too close, and remember…

Let’s be careful out there…

Daily Adventurers briefings in the time of Corona's Virus...

In the spirit of trying to brighten the day, for the next three weeks, I'm going to be doing a briefing for adventurers every day. What would happen in a fantasy world if an evil mage called Corona had engineered a magical virus that was resisting all attempts to take it down. Every day, I'm going to post the latest briefing from the guild, and if anyone's got any ideas on what would make a good brief for adventurers, get in touch.
Todays briefing: Gelatinous Cubes can't be used as Hand Sanitiser...