Because you realise sometimes...
It’s a funny thing, but I’ve only just realised that I’ve not updated
the wordcount in ten days, and more importantly, I haven’t been aware that I
haven’t been updating the wordcount....
That stops today, I know everyone’s not been keeping up on it, and there’s
probably good reasoning to just keep it to a once a week update, but the reason
why I’ve not been keeping up with it is because I’ve been in Pain...
Capital P there...
Pain the likes of which I didn’t imagine could exist, Pain unlike
anything I’ve ever known before, to the level that it actually managed to put
me down, something which before now I hadn’t considered even vaguely possible,
I’ve had issues before, I’ve had muscle pains, and I can usually get through
them because I’m used to how to deal with them.
This was nerve pain, and for those who’ve never had it, good, because I
wouldn’t wish it on anyone. For those
thinking they may know what I’m on
about, chances are that you’ve had bad muscle pain, because when it’s your nerves,
you know, because you can’t stop it, and unlike anything else you’ve had, it’s
either on, or it’s not, but the muscles around the nerve carry the back end of
the pain, so while you’re writhing around trying to get the pain to stop, you’re
only aggravating it more and then setting it off again.
So, I’ve spent two weeks in a more or less horizontal position actually
fearing that it might not get any better, that this is it, this is how my life would
close up, reduced from something that can lift any two people he knows and walk
with them without missing a beat to something that can’t even stand in front of
the sink long enough to get shaved because the pain caused too much trembling
to risk razors.
And in that time, I went from ten thousand ahead on the count to twenty
five thousand ahead on the count, and while it does feel like a bit of a cheat
because I’ve had the time away from the day job to catch up on it, I’ve taken
everything else the worlds thrown at me and said “Fair enough,” so why not
this. I had to do something to remind
myself that there was more to me than the pain and that brought me back to
thinking about my most prolific times of writing, the times when things were
darkest, where it was a choice of write or fail, and I wasn’t willing to fail,
and that brought me back to the realisation that I work my very best when
things are hardest for me, and things have been hard these last three
weeks.
I have the very best family, who have shown me every understanding,
every care, and that has been the hardest thing of all for me, because I’ve
always felt that it should be me doing the caring, that’s ever been my role in
life, the thing that I was most proud of, and to be struck low like this and no
longer be able to do even the most basic thing without weapons grade
painkillers, well, it’s not just a wakeup call, it’s a call to arms.
For all those who’ve been volunteering to help with things over the
various games and books and things, there’s going to be a whole load more
things coming out soon and by the end of the year, I want to be ready to put
out both games and finish the million words with days to spare, and while I
know that no one but me will ever know that the million words were all new this
year, I’ll know, and that will be enough...
So, nearly three quarters through the year and already above three
quarters on the count, the pain won’t win (and it’s still there even now), because
I have around me the same support network that I’ve always given to other
people, and my heart soars in ways that I cannot describe that I have people of
such character as my friends and loved ones.
This is John Dodd, Once the Pagan in the Darkness, writing still, and Goodnight
England, Wherever you are...
